So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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