How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
