Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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