i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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