I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
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