so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
