Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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