i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
