did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
