Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
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