got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
