I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
