Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
