He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
operation have a gay friend backfired
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
