Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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