I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
