I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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