I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
