look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
You need Xanax blowdarts
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
