I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
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