I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Randomize
