Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
