My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
