Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
