Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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