I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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