i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
