last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
