We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
