oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Randomize