You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Randomize
