Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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