Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
