my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
