She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
