i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
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