Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
