How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
