so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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