believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
