meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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