I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Randomize
