Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
