ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
