mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
