there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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