Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
