he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
