I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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