After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
