What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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