Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
